Dear Ladies,

My sister and I have entered to win the 2010 HGTV dream home, but we’re not best pleased with the decor they’re offering us this year. You can see the full panoply of pictures on their website, linked above, but I would like to register some specific grievances. First of all, the food choices seem a little odd.

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I am not at all sure that we can eat our way through that many institutional jars of hominy.

Then there is this sort of stick figure in the yard, caught apparently, like a deer in the headlights — a stick deer, as it were — doing, apparently, what two dimensional figures do when they think no one is looking. (Something that involves a giant rock.)

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Then we have this interesting choice of osseus matter — I would say the jawbones of several asses, arranged in a sort of ‘skeletal view of emergent bison doing interlocking deep knee bends’ impression.

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Tear your eyes away from it ladies, for we have another piece of art below which shall challenge us further to do some real soul searching for some sort of answer — and then, flee to another room.

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(I always find it so impossible to browse the internet when being eerily ogled by the giant head of a painted warrior.)

But I think the most anomalous thing in the 2010 dreamhome is depicted below: set among lamps, in a sort of breviary of houseplants. (I looked up the word ‘breviary’ and it didn’t mean what I thought it didn’t: but I’m so frightened out of my wits at the moment that nothing more suitable is coming to mind). It looks like a sacred cakeplate: a sort of teleportation device for outer cake:

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I enter to win the dream home annually, and always count on being surprised by winning (though I actually avoid this website now because I find it so addictive — my sister alerted me that the dream home was going soon.) They will be ambushing (ha. ha. not so funny, considering that painting in the computer room) the winner mid March: Enter for your chance to win a stick figure squatting mysteriously over a rock, a truly awe inspiring engorged head of man, some bones of animals preserved in various forms of prehistoric yoga, an hagiographical dessert display, and forty odd cans of hominy.

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