Dear Ladies,
My sister and I have entered to win the 2010 HGTV dream home, but we’re not best pleased with the decor they’re offering us this year. You can see the full panoply of pictures on their website, linked above, but I would like to register some specific grievances. First of all, the food choices seem a little odd.
I am not at all sure that we can eat our way through that many institutional jars of hominy.
Then there is this sort of stick figure in the yard, caught apparently, like a deer in the headlights — a stick deer, as it were — doing, apparently, what two dimensional figures do when they think no one is looking. (Something that involves a giant rock.)
Then we have this interesting choice of osseus matter — I would say the jawbones of several asses, arranged in a sort of ‘skeletal view of emergent bison doing interlocking deep knee bends’ impression.
Tear your eyes away from it ladies, for we have another piece of art below which shall challenge us further to do some real soul searching for some sort of answer — and then, flee to another room.
(I always find it so impossible to browse the internet when being eerily ogled by the giant head of a painted warrior.)
But I think the most anomalous thing in the 2010 dreamhome is depicted below: set among lamps, in a sort of breviary of houseplants. (I looked up the word ‘breviary’ and it didn’t mean what I thought it didn’t: but I’m so frightened out of my wits at the moment that nothing more suitable is coming to mind). It looks like a sacred cakeplate: a sort of teleportation device for outer cake:
I enter to win the dream home annually, and always count on being surprised by winning (though I actually avoid this website now because I find it so addictive — my sister alerted me that the dream home was going soon.) They will be ambushing (ha. ha. not so funny, considering that painting in the computer room) the winner mid March: Enter for your chance to win a stick figure squatting mysteriously over a rock, a truly awe inspiring engorged head of man, some bones of animals preserved in various forms of prehistoric yoga, an hagiographical dessert display, and forty odd cans of hominy.
Ruby
countrylane
eworpell
Lauren
hemuen
jessi
Heidi
Laura
lucricausa
mengmom
prudenceblue
virginiasusan
keeping house 
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January 30, 2010 at 9:24 am
Ruby
I guess I am old fashioned. I still love the cosy, rustic look {shrigs}
If, or rather when, you win, Heidi, you can get exterminators in to cleanse the place of all the creepy intruders. I guess they are known as art?
January 30, 2010 at 2:59 pm
Elizabeth
So funny! But be careful…if you win, you get to pay all the property taxes. ;)
January 30, 2010 at 4:10 pm
Lauren
I’m afraid I’ll have to write before thinking because I won’t want to think about it after this.
Those things on the table with the laptop in the warrior computer room — are they hominy threshers?
But ah, the warmth of the sacrificial fire blazing on the deck is sort of compelling, though I hope not literally. The bones admittedly do not bode well.
My greatest concern is that this house might be in a subdivision of others like it…. Remember: location, location, location.
January 30, 2010 at 5:08 pm
Laura
LOL, Lauren. Good eye on the sacrificial fire.
Oh, what a beauteous display of modern decorating. If I won this house, I would take *great* delight in removing and attempting to sell the various pieces of artwork. Might help go toward the property taxes.
That cake platter looks like it is made to hold a 12-layer cake, with one of those bride and groom decorations on top. And who puts lamps in their kitchen?? I would electrocute myself within 5 minutes. What else is on the shelf with all that hominy? Sea sponges?
M agrees that he would not be able to do his work at a desk with that … FACE behind him.
February 2, 2010 at 1:02 am
virginiasusan
Heidi,
My sister might like this house! She collects all sorts of odd things. We went to a huge flea market one summer where she found a buffalo skull. She was thrilled and bought it for her husband. She tied it onto the top of her backpack and we walked around the flea market the rest of the day like that.
February 2, 2010 at 2:41 am
Lauren
That would probably be a hit in some of the ethnic neighborhoods around here, Virginia Susan.
But even a buffalo skull is no match for The Face That Launched 1000 Blips.
February 2, 2010 at 3:42 pm
Heidi
Lauren you make me lol, as Laura said. I especially like the idea of hominy threshers in the home office.
Susan, your sister sounds very enjoyable, and exactly the sort of person one would want to go to a flea market with (I find flea markets fascinating: but they make Ruben sick!) If I win the dream home I will be sure to send the interactive buffalo bone yoga along for her :-).
February 2, 2010 at 9:56 pm
Jennifer
I haven’t laughed so hard in days. Oh. My. Thanks, Heidi, whoever you are, for posting this.
February 3, 2010 at 3:41 pm
Heidi
Jennifer, I’m glad the dream home decorations could be of amusement :-) We’re so glad you dropped by — I gather Laura knows you.
February 5, 2010 at 10:33 pm
countrylane
I truly enjoyed reading this…love to get everyone’s viewpoints on houses. I, too, am not into modern “art” as some call it. Susan, your sister would be a joy to go to a flea market with, or any other place for that matter. She’s the kind that who she is is who you see and there are no hidden meanings or pretenses about her. I too would empty out the house, though I wouldn’t have thought to see the “art” because I wouln’t have thought anyone would buy it :) Thanks for the laughs, Heidi!
February 6, 2010 at 9:08 pm
Heidi
Anne, I too love to get viewpoints (and see pictures) of decorating houses: Holly has some pics with your kitchen in the background in the most beautiful color of red, if I remember correctly. (I remember because it was so vividly pretty — & because I usually get stuck looking at photos for the background details :-).
February 23, 2010 at 2:20 am
countrylane
I love my red kitchen. :) It took 5 coats of paint, though. I was beginning to think that I was going to lose the light switches from all the layers of paint!