The Lord bids each of us in all life’s actions to look to his calling. For he knows with what great restlessness human nature flames, with what fickleness it is borne hither and thither, how its ambition longs to embrace various things at once. Therefore, lest through our stupidity and rashness everything be turned topsy-turvy, he has appointed duties for every man in his particular way of life. And that no one may thoughtlessly transgress his limits, he has named these various kinds of living “callings.” Therefore each individual has his own kind of living assigned to him by the Lord as a sort of sentry post so that he may not heedlessly wander about throughout life. …
It is enough if we know that the Lord’s calling is in everything the beginning and foundation of well-doing. And if there is anyone who will not direct himself to it, he will never hold to the straight path in his duties. Perhaps, sometimes, he could contrive something laudable in appearance; but whatever it may be in the eyes of men, it will be rejected before God’s throne. … From this will arise also a singular consolation: that no task will be so sordid and base, provided you obey your calling in it, that it will not shine and be reckoned very precious in God’s sight.
— from Calvin’s Institutes Book III Chap. X
I feel like I can always use further insight, even particular directions, as to what my calling as a married woman entails. I hope that is not an unhealthy “law-thirstiness”: a desire to “discover” and adhere to man-made laws that go beyond Scripture, in order to build a case before God and man that I am especially righteous. I’ve never been guilty of that before, but there’s a first time for everything. *ahem* Of course, this question, which essentially boils down to, “How do I use my time and gifts as a married woman in the 21st century?”, arises much more readily for a woman without children, whose constant demands pretty well answer the question before it can be asked (assuming there is time and energy to ask it). But I am not the only childless married woman here or in the potential (hypothetical?) audience, and perhaps my questions and musings will help you too. I simply want to know better what it looks like for a married woman to “keep to her sentry post,” and what it looks like to stray—not to judge others but myself. One thing I’m pretty sure of is that this seems to be yet another matter of wisdom rather than law—“yet another” expressing my natural aversion to doing the work of praying for and getting wisdom. Reading a book or an article would be much easier.
From my limited historical studies (more like occasional observations; I do always invite correction), I gather that even into the 1950s, when it was not absolutely necessary that someone—whether the mistress of the home or a trusted servant—be at home ensuring that the family had food and clean clothes (and had clothes, for that matter), the average young woman was either active in her family’s home and community, in a school of some kind, or busy with some outside occupation (such as teaching) up to the point of marriage. At this point, she regarded herself as fully employed in homemaking. She typically quit her job if she had one and took up the very happy duties of managing a home for her best friend. Of course the feminists in the 60s called all this into question, arguing that this supposedly noble aspect of womanhood was rather demeaning; it imprisoned a woman in her house and her life revolved far too much around the man, the domineering, self-serving, pig of a man who perpetuated this unthinkable inequality. Why shouldn’t the woman have the recognized, fulfilling career, while the man stays home to keep house and watch the children (if they must exist)? Well, why not?
Do we not as Christians have to deal with the fact that Eve was created as a “helper suitable to the man”—that “the woman was made for the man, not the man for the woman”? That this suggests at the very least a certain orientation towards serving her husband that her husband is not obligated to reciprocate? Is not the married woman called by God, in the very sense in which Calvin speaks, to manage the home and serve her husband and children with all the gifts and strength she has been given (Titus 2, Proverbs 31)? A thousand qualifications come to mind: chiefly that a Christian woman is also to be of real assistance to the church (Romans 16, etc.), to her parents and older relatives (1 Timothy 5, etc.), and to non-church friends or neighbors in need (simply part of being a Christian, besides the many “proof-texts”). She is still a church member, daughter, friend, neighbor. But she does all this as a married woman, very often drawing from the resources that her husband has earned, serving such people on behalf of him. She does it with his blessing, and with his guidance and oversight as to the time and effort committed to these abundant opportunities.
With that much clear, then, one of the more practical questions I have is about the role of domesticity in my calling as a Christian wife and homemaker. There are the inevitable chores involved in managing any home, like laundry, paying bills, and cleaning the tub. Then, thanks to technology, there is the “discretionary time,” when chores have been done. (I am sorry, homeschooling moms or any moms of young children; it probably feels like they are never done for you, and as an aside I think that unmarried or even married childless women in the church should be ready and willing to offer themselves as help when that is overwhelmingly the case.) So if you don’t have children to watch and/or teach, you could either get a job to fill up your time, or find other ways to invest in the home beyond the necessary chores. Those are the only two options that I can see, other than idleness, which we will consider an invalid option for obvious reasons.
On the one hand, you have the ideal of domesticity a la Martha Stewart. You put effort into and learn skills pertaining to all manner of domestic comforts, for the enjoyment of family and friends. Martha Stewart herself is no paragon of biblical femininity, yet I think this sort of domesticity, in its place, is worthwhile and commendable. I love that it values domestic happiness and peace, at least in a superficial way. I love that it affirms, contra feministas, the inherent value of housework or homemaking done to this end. One of my favorite excerpts from an old housekeeping manual echoes this: “A bedroom, in a way, represents the girl or woman who occupies it and cares for it. If it has an atmosphere of order and simplicity and repose, it is beautiful and tells of a personality that dominates worldly things and is not confused by them. … Everyone has seen a bedroom so full of charm that she longs to know the person who is responsible for it.” Surely we do well to appropriate the spirit of this domesticity even if we have no natural gift or even inclination for crafting paper lanterns and painting intricate designs on them, after filling each with the scented soy votives that we made last week. On the patio overlooking our 3-acre garden and arboretum out back. Etc.
Yet in defense of women who are less than attracted even to a toned-down version of such domesticity, a wife is only called to obey God and please her husband as she manages the home. Period. If God hasn’t prescribed craft-making, hobby gardening, or the cultivation of mad pastry skills, and the woman’s husband has not expressed an earnest desire for any of these (can you imagine a husband with a fever for more crafts? sorry, strikes me as hilarious), then it is up to the woman to decide whether or not these would be profitable for her family. So what I am sure of is that changing and sometimes arbitrary standards of domestic skills are not to be equated with good homemaking. “Order and simplicity and repose” can be preserved in a home without a Martha Stewart at its head. (Certainly the simplicity bit might exclude a Martha Stewart from even applying. End of MS jokes.) But it does require someone in the home, with a clear sense of her responsibility to preserve that order.
I have too many thoughts on this subject to corral, and many of them are way too uncertain and ill-formed for public blog material. As was hinted earlier, I am finding that much more of the Christian life consists of matters of wisdom—as opposed to hard and fast rules—than my lazy and legalistic flesh would like. I want my life—my daily work—to reflect biblical principles and priorities, but I do not want to endorse or even hold myself to a certain standard of domesticity or “home-centeredness” as if it were divine law. Surely biblical femininity is much more complex: both more elastic and more rigid, more liberating and more difficult, than the world and our tricky hearts would have us think. Discuss amongst yourselves, if you even have time to read this rambling essay.
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October 5, 2009 at 1:19 am
Heidi
Laura, I have been thinking — though with a somewhat different emphasis, on this too lately; and I’m very glad you posted those thoughts. I think what you say about being a help meet to our husbands is a sound referent for at least some areas of our ‘personal’ growth as well as our growth as good wives. There is of course a basic amount of cleanliness, order — and as you say — simplicity — that we should strive for in the workings of any household, just so that the inhabitants can be healthy and sane. And there may be other more special efforts that your husband or family require. And of course beyond this there are the obligations of other relations of life. But I think our husbands will probably be just as happy for us to spend at least some free time investing in something we enjoy, developing interests etc that attracted them to us in the first place. I like to diddle at writing: Ruben has always wanted me to write stories for him. If I finish any, it will be not something I did with a side of me snatched away from him, but as part of being loved by him, and being his wife for a number of years. He also likes me to read, to enjoy nature, etc. — there are things that we love more because we love them together (and they are the sort of things one can’t enjoy together if one doesn’t enjoy them separately, if you see what I mean). So beyond the things you’ve listed, I would add that I am learning that it is part of wisdom to take some time and simply exercise the faculty God has given us for enjoying the created world, not just as a human being that He made but as a wife: this makes us better companions to our husbands who want to be friended as well as fed; and even in situations where a marriage is not perhaps ideal, I think it makes us more joyful wives. There is a lot of struggle involved for me with guilt that I’m not doing something more worthwhile as regards all the womanly things that need to be done in the world for the needy etc, but at this point I’m shut up to learning the wisdom of enjoyment; and of course a big part of learning that is learning to stop being loaded with guilt. Perhaps after God has taught me joy, He will let me do some of those other things; perhaps joy even makes you strong enough.
It’s very easy to get confused and to cross over into having even seemingly ‘godly’ ambitions or ideas of duty that are outside our calling; besides the entirely ungodly, merely personal ones. That is a *great* quote by Calvin; I have been reminding myself much lately how good it is that God should choose where to put us, because He chooses best. I have been reminding myself of this one by Matthew Henry — you probably saw it — that Joshua posted on the puritanboard, here:
“Note, That calling or condition of life is best for us, and to be chosen by us, which is best for our souls, that which least exposes us to sin and gives us most opportunity of serving and enjoying God.”
October 5, 2009 at 2:03 am
Laura
Heidi,
Thanks so much for your thoughts. What I was saying did lack balance and you corrected it: it’s not as though your writing or my taking a walk with the cat (yes, we do) are evil little excursions of neglect and imprudence since they do not have to do directly with our marriage or home! I should have added to the list that though married, we are still human, and our diverse human interests need not be subjected to a litmus test of biblical femininity. That is just the sort of confusion I want to avoid in figuring out my calling.
It *is* very comforting that God chooses where and with whom to put us. I should meditate more on that.
October 5, 2009 at 11:05 am
Heidi
I had a ‘theological question’ about this too when I woke up this morning but I’m not quite sure how to phrase it clearly. Does ‘eating not the bread of idleness’ apply to the time one has *after* — well, making bread? Taking care of the home? Or is *idleness* really properly a concept that applies to things we do that interfere with the proper business of our calling?
I wouldn’t have thought to characterise a person who even has free time because of getting everything else done as “idle”. I would naturally tend to use “idleness” to describe someone who allows themselves inordinate ‘free time’ *instead* of getting things done. I don’t know how that might affect thoughts on the matter, but it seems that one’s discretion in how one enjoys or invests free time is less strictly constrained or guilt ridden if idleness properly applies to disrupting the proper business of one’s calling to play?
October 5, 2009 at 2:07 pm
Laura K
I think it’s the latter, Heidi. Are you talking about this part?
“So if you don’t have children to watch and/or teach, you could either get a job to fill up your time, or find other ways to invest in the home beyond the necessary chores. Those are the only two options that I can see, other than idleness, which we will consider an invalid option for obvious reasons.”
Once again I am communicating something I did not mean to—and it flows from what we were talking about before. I would be hypocritical to mean what I said here, really, as I don’t spend all my free time “investing in the home beyond the necessary chores.” I was just sloppily thinking. The gist of what I was saying there is, now that technology does make a housewife’s job much less laborious, what shall she do with the down time? Shouldn’t she just get an outside job? If her husband wants her to, then fine, she can help them save money for the future or have more to give or whatever. If he’s ambivalent about her working and she thinks she can spend her time in the home profitably, then let’s explore what that looks like.
I’ll have to come back later to respond further. I’m too busy pouring every moment of my time into our home, as you can see. :p Sorry for the further confusion.
October 5, 2009 at 2:53 pm
Heidi
Laura I think it’s an area, at least in my experience, that is very difficult to think *unsloppily* about, and bouncing ideas off other people helps. In fact something you said to me once in connection with the married woman having to care for the things of the world has been an immense help to me this past year.
I’ll look forward to further thoughts: I think I do understand better now — is the question more then, about whether it’s legitimate for a woman to work outside the home in her free time not so much because income is *needed* but because she has the time and the money *could* be useful ? And what kind of comparable things could be done, apart from going into the workforce to additionally invest in the welfare of the home?
I do think it’s legitimate, but wait for your further thoughts — and probably other women reading this have a better idea than I do of what could be done to invest in the home. I know Anne makes jewelry and sells it for instance, which is a sort of work at home business that also gives her an outlet for doing something she really enjoys as a creative person. Candi Barnes from my church runs a website, and goes to libraries giving presentations about how to shop for groceries so as to save a lot of money, etc. Another lady from my church works at the local library, which I imagine is more the sort of work you’d be interested in outside the home. My mom of course, writes and sells state history materials for homeschoolers — something she has done not only on the side of housekeeping, but of carrying on a full time job — and now its turned into a home business that she and my dad can both work at full time.
October 5, 2009 at 2:54 pm
Heidi
(PS. Just a note that I abusively quick edited the timestamp on this so that it appears at the top of the blog as I find it better reading material than what appears, ahem, underneath it :-)
October 7, 2009 at 3:30 pm
Lauren
Dear Laura, this reminds me of my fairly constant struggle to apprehend and perform diligence. The diligence to make our calling and election sure has long eluded and frustrated me. Vic recently simplified this to my great encouragement. Diligence to make our calling and election sure is the consciousness that we walk always in sight of the living God. That isn’t easy, and I’d like to sail to Tarshish, but it is really all that we are required to do, and all else will flow from that consciousness. Or at least, I content, albeit minimally, myself with this idea for now.
October 11, 2009 at 7:25 pm
Laura K
Heidi, yes, my question is along the lines you stated: “whether it’s legitimate for a woman to work outside the home in her free time not so much because income is *needed* but because she has the time, and the money *could* be useful.” I too believe it is legitimate, but as I go about decorating and baking and whatever at home, I wonder whether it really is the best use of my time. Not that I am bored or discontent, but whether I am wrongly placing too much priority on things that God has not called me to do, out of some misguided attempt at domesticity. Hence some of these thoughts.
Lauren, thank you for the very worthwhile elaboration on what you said here over at your blog. Living coram Deo really is a remedy for so many of our daily infirmities.
October 12, 2009 at 7:32 pm
jessi
I really appreciated this post.
It is good to “go” somewhere and join (or at least eavesdrop on) women taking the time to really think on higher things.
I think idleness is indeed a real sin and a real struggle for many (definitely for me), but I think it is good to remember that to refresh the body and spirit is something that is needed–be it in physical or spiritual rest or recreation. I don’t think everything that is not work is then idleness.
(I did not read that it was in the post or discussion that followed, but wanted to see what you all thought about that idea.)
October 13, 2009 at 1:10 pm
Heidi
Jessi, I agree with your assessment completely: and I would add that sometimes you have to take the time to refresh body and spirit regardless of whether things are done or undone; the world and its manifold workings we have always with us; and there are things that are more precious than always having a clean sink etc.
Laura, I understand what you mean too, wondering about misguided attempts at domesticity and mistaking that for part for our calling. I will have to think about it some more, because I haven’t come to any resolutions in my own confused thoughts about this. Initially I think that while making things not only functional and pleasant, but really lovely etc, at home for those we love isn’t wasted, it is more a matter of preference: as the person who fell in love with one, fell in love with someone who either does or doesn’t like to spend time hanging things on the wall, and also probably has his own preferences. Certainly aesthetics are not *nothing* but they aren’t by any means the nub of housekeeping either. I think that if the extras are a way of enjoying God’s exuberant goodness where He has put us (and helping others to enjoy that too), there is no reason to feel that time is misspent — unless as in my case, one is tempted to redecorate when one should be running laundry :-).
October 13, 2009 at 9:14 pm
Laura
I think you’re right too Jessi. Recreation is something we do need just by virtue of being human. Certainly our culture may idolize it or overstate the need for it, but that doesn’t negate the reality that we can’t just be working all the time. I do want to be more the kind of person whose leisure activities are even productive, but that’s not to say I think a bit of “mindless” recreation is illegitimate by any means.
Heidi, understood. Surely there is something to be said for the way that we imitate the Creator when we “nest” and make our homes pleasant rather than simply utilitarian. God could have made large gray boxes to purify the air rather than exceedingly numerous varieties of good-smelling and beautiful and sometimes majestic trees. And so on.
February 2, 2010 at 7:45 pm
Jennifer
I wish I had read this when it was fresh. As I look back on my many years of married life, I realize my time while unmarried, married and childless, and married with only one or two children was not well spent. I floundered, having no sense of purpose or calling, and now I must make up for that lost time, when I least have time to spare.
When I mentioned this to a friend (a new wife without children) and also shared with her my desire to eventually write a book for other clueless new wives on how best to spend their time, she scoffed me. One very practical thing I mentioned was the importance of correctly setting up files, and although she thought that idea was ridiculous, when I visited her house, her “files” were piles of paper scattered all over the floor of her office. She complained often about how she didn’t have time to paint her bathroom. Why?! or why not?! She had plenty of time to watch movies. I shudder to think of her problems multiplied by the number of children God gives her. I believe some of her spare time issues have been neatly taken care of by a job outside the home, and in her case, I think it a good move.
As for eating the bread of idleness, I have many thoughts on that subject, also, but I will save them for another time, or keep them to myself.
February 2, 2010 at 9:19 pm
Laura
What a delightful surprise to find you here, Jennifer. Calvin does have a knack for *clarifying* life. But you need to write that book. Maybe not now, since I know you aren’t just overflowing with free time, ;p but ASAP. And I would love to hear your thoughts on idleness.